About self-abandoning and fear of failure

I’m supposed to be talking about my course. I’m in the midst of the launch. But I find it increasingly hard to do. Since I launched, I’ve been crying almost every day. The first time I announced it in front of people in a masterclass (which I forgot to record), I thought I failed miserably and went straight to bed and slept for almost 15 hours straight, disappointed, exhausted, feeling like a failure.

But it turned out that people actually loved the masterclass. They thought it was valuable information, they found me well prepared and inspirational, I haven’t failed at anything. Go figure. I declared my own failure.

I was dealing with putting myself out there and offering something, this program that I spent months building, and people weren’t running to sign up. That hurts.

It’s a process that made me aware of my abandonment wound, of how strong it can be, in spite of all the self-awareness, all the work I do on myself, all the lives I impact when I coach, all the brave decisions I’ve made in my life.

I notice how easy I slip into mindlessly standing in front of the fridge and eating my emotions, not because I’m hungry but because I’m feeling rejected. How hard I get on myself for still not losing the weight I want to lose. How I can’t wait for the day to be over so that I can crawl into bed and how I don’t want to get up in the morning.

Self-abandonment is real. Dealing with (even imaginary) rejection, I reject myself. If people don’t want to buy my course, I’ll do what I can to self-sabotage so that their rejection seems smaller. So that I have a reason to give up.

But even in the midst of this epic dive within, as I was going through the worst of it, I still knew to take care of myself in the process. I went to the beach several times. I reached out to friends and acquaintances asking them for support. Turning to my coach for guidance. Crying on their shoulder. Throwing fits. Listening to their feedback, even if I didn’t want to hear it.

I wasn’t able to step away from the situation and see that there was nothing wrong with this. That it’s all normal, that we’re all human.

I got to see myself, how I act in the face of not getting what I want. That little girl who throws a temper tantrum when she’s afraid of rejection. A lesson in humility. A test to see if I walk the walk. How grateful can I be, how open to growth, when things aren’t going my way?

And then I ran into a quote by Robert Kiyosaki:

“The biggest challenge you have is your own self-doubt and your laziness. It is your self-doubt and your laziness that define and limit who you are. It is your self-doubt and laziness that keep you small. It is your self-doubt and laziness that deny you the life you want. There is no one in your way except you and your doubts. It is easy to stay the same. It is easy not to change. Most people choose to stay the same all their lives. If you will take on your self-doubt and your laziness, you will find the door to your freedom.”

It took Robert and Kim Kiyosaki about a decade to create massive wealth and a huge legacy. They went from homeless to millionaires in about 10 years. And he’d say that whenever he tells this story, people ask him “How? How did you do it?”

To which he would respond: “It’s not about the HOW. It is about WHY Kim and I did it. Without the why, the how would have been impossible.”

I love this concept and I deeply believe in it. Your WHY always trumps your HOW. I even coach this. But how could I use it now, to get out of my own funk? It inspired me to look at my why. And here it goes:

• Freedom. Freedom to live wherever I want, with whomever I want, to help whomever I want monetarily, to afford all the flights and accommodations for myself and my friends and family, if they need my help.

• To be with a partner who is also powerful, abundant and efficiently deals with his own laziness and self-doubt. To bring my own to the partnership - mentally, spiritually, physically, financially, emotionally - and have it feel equal, not like I’m freeloading.

• I didn’t come to America to live far away from my parents and friends, to struggle and save and repeat some old family pattern of lack. I didn’t come here to fold and give up after leaving a career in real estate and a marriage. This may be a hard moment, but I came here to Blossom.

• I want to help people overcome doubts and fears and trust their own greatness. I want to lead by example.

• I want to teach that it’s ok to risk it all, to fall, that it’s possible to get back up, to keep building, to change directions, to not be a slave to society and still be successful.

And just like that, I was back to normal, not just understanding the lesson, but really appreciating it. Taking notes what I can do differently. Grateful for the experience.

Re-signing my lease the other day, I felt such a pang of happiness, I remembered last fall when I found this place and decided to take a chance on it. How happy I felt to finally have a permanent home again. How it all worked out, even though the rent was so much higher than any other apartment I’ve ever lived in before. How I’m my biggest asset. Always have been, always will be.

Whatever you’re struggling with, you can overcome. And there will be gold in every lesson you decide to take on. Rock on.