Are you being the toxic one?

I remember realizing for the first time that I was being the toxic one in a relationship. I fell in love hard when I was in my early 20s, and he fell in love with me too. And after 3 months it fell apart and I just couldn’t understand why and kept pining for him for years. And I was a little mad at him because he was the one who ended it. In my version of it, I was amazing, he was a little difficult, but it was OK, I was so amazing that I would forgive him his difficult ways and I was loving, generous, smart, kind, sexy, the perfect girlfriend.

Except that wasn’t really true.

About 5 years later, almost in my 30s, I did a mindset weekend workshop and walked out of it as if someone had hit me on the head and woken me up from my lala land fantasy. I was far from amazing. And far from forgiving. As a matter of fact, I was annoying, controlling, vengeful and a bit of an asshole.

I was adored as a child. And it’s my super power, but it’s also my kryptonite. On the one hand, I always believed that I could do whatever I put my mind to. On the other, if I wasn’t adored, I wouldn’t know how to behave, so I behaved in the worst possible ways.

It still happens during times of distress. When we are not at our best, we will revert to our most destructive behaviors. I often expect from people to adore me and to put my needs in front of theirs, but I’m not an asshole about it anymore. I catch it, I use my tools and I move on. If it’s a really good friend, I’ll tell them about it, but without putting blame, simply to share how I feel in the spirit of vulnerability and honesty, often laughing about it. But I always work it through with myself first, like I imagine I would do with a child, if I had one.

I was so adored as a child that I formed an expectation that all people in my life will adore me the same way. And they often do. But they also, logically, put their own needs and lives ahead of mine.

Before I realized that my expectations were unrealistic, unfair and selfish, I would always act on these feelings. I would think that it’s OK to take it out on people when they wouldn’t treat me the way I felt I deserved to be treated. And even worse, I wouldn’t see this happening. I would see it as betrayal or disrespect and I would act “accordingly” to protect myself.

It is incredibly important to realize what we are projecting onto the world around us. Because if we don’t, we will lose friends, lovers, opportunities and the connection to ourselves.

And even worse, we will start believing that “the world is against us”, that “the odds are stacked against us”, that “it’s so much easier for everyone else” and other nonsense that will keep us stuck in a loop, while we are spinning in circles and blaming everyone but ourselves.

However you were raised will show in how you take on the world. Bring awareness to it and make it work to your advantage. Don’t be the toxic one.

I can help you see how your kryptonite is your super power by bringing awareness to your thoughts, beliefs and behaviors. That’s how you change your life.