So I met someone recently
And something I noticed is that when I like someone, I start self-abandoning almost immediately.
It’s messed up, I know, and I’m actively working with my therapist to find ways to deal with this in an empowering way and to make choices that honor both me and the other person.
But it always boils down to honoring ourselves first, and that gets stripped down to two things, basically:
Do I have CLARITY about what I want from our interaction?
Can I find the COURAGE/WILL to act on it (or not act on it)?
In real life, it can look like this: I meet someone, I like them, they like me. We go out and have a good time together and then pretty quickly we sleep together, before we’ve had a chance to build any real intimacy first and see if we actually like each other enough in order to get naked together. And from there it crashes and burns, one way or another. Something that could have been a good friendship or a fulfilling relationship becomes tainted with the expectations that inevitably develop after being physically intimate. And then, if we want to keep the friendship, it usually requires time and effort on both parts. Or we never re-establish the connection that was there from the beginning, that made us recognize each other in the crowd. And that’s a shame. Because I believe that if there was something that made us stop and pause and look at each other in this world filled with millions and millions of people, it is so needed to do what we can to preserve that connection. These people are our tribe.
So earlier this year I decided to stop sleeping with people until we spend more time together. I don’t have a set timer or anything, I simply trust my instincts and my intuition.
I could have slept with him last night. But I didn’t. And it wasn’t an easy decision, because I’m attracted to him and I wanted the closeness. But at the same time, I know I’m not interested in it becoming more serious, at least not until we get to spend more time together.
I consider it a huge victory. First, to know clearly how much intimacy I (don’t) want and second, to actually risk offending him. But when you know in your heart that the decision is the right one, it actually doesn’t matter. And of course he didn’t get offended. And now we can spend more time exploring our friendship and seeing where it leads, without any of the push and pull dynamic that inevitably would have followed. And regardless of where our connection takes us, it’s not rushed and there’s a good chance that we’ll keep building on it, one way or another, while
I’m also dating others, also platonically. This way of being, with myself, with the people I’m interested in, brings forth a huge shift and powerful energy, rebuilding my own relationship with myself in the process.
If you’re struggling with this, you should know you’re not alone. And if you need help, I offer a complimentary coaching session to explore this together further. Are we the right fit for each other? Who knows. But I promise to take it real slow to find out 🌱